Should I feel confident?
Scores of companies rank confidence as an essential leadership trait. Countless women’s leadership workshops offer participants the prospect of career advancement as they learn to embody confidence. I do enjoy a certain kind of confidence when I see it…not the puffed-up kind, but the authentic, genuine, grounded…. “I’ve seen some shit, and I’m okay with myself” kind of confidence.
I love being on a stage, enjoy public speaking, and don’t mind being handed a mic at the last minute. But I have never felt confident. Some great creator decided to masterfully wire me for full-blown sensitivity, which has been a part of my DNA for as long as I can remember. So, no, I do not feel confident. I have come to peace with this fact and learned to relish it.
I know that my mind and heart are constantly scanning environments, people, and variables. I understand that a single alteration to the current state creates ripple effects. Everything can change with the tiniest action, like pulling a single thread from a tapestry. We’re all interconnected, and our lives and workplaces weave complex systems of interdependency. Given this fact, a certain kind of confidence could limit my resiliency and flexibility.
Feel Afraid and Act Anyway
And in my own experience, confidence does not need to attach itself to action. I can feel afraid and act anyway. I love public speaking, but I am always nervous before stepping on a stage, not because I am weak but because I care. So I may appear confident. I may be perceived as confident, but I love my lack of confidence. My sensitivity, awareness, vulnerability, and scanning often create great empathy for me as I get to know people.
Someone I know criticized his mother for her weight, poor health, and lack of self-care. He said, “I just can’t understand it. Can you imagine?!” “Yes,” I responded. “I can imagine. At any point in time, I could be one large bag of Cheetos away from joining her on that slippery slope.” (Before you saint me, I likely would feel exasperated, angry, and sad to watch her make choices that could take her out of this existence.)
Vulnerability has Power
Vulnerability helps bring a sweet, preciousness to moments. I look at my kids who still live at home and know that, in a blink, they will be gone. As a leader, I have found that my best successes in training employees didn’t come with confidence but with honesty, transparency, mutuality, and sharing my struggles so that they could relate to me.
I don’t mean to say people shouldn’t feel confident. If you feel confident, ride it into the sunset. But if you don’t feel confident, do not think you possess some fatal flaw, and don’t wait for confidence to design a life you love!
